You know how your kid is like a sponge? It’s 5 AM, and you haven’t even had a sip of coffee yet. You’re just getting your bearings when you step on a Lego and let out a very audible “Shit.” And, of course, your 5-year-old is standing right there, so that word makes it into their regular vocabulary.
I’m not here to judge—it happens to the best of us—but to point out that, just like kids absorb everything, we soak up all the energy, vibes, and questionable words around us, too. And just like our kids, the people we’re around can impact our behavior and mindset.
For the longest time, I thought I was stuck with whoever my kids chose to befriend, hoping I’d click with their parents. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t. But on my own path of self-discovery, I realized, “I’m not stuck with anyone. I get to choose.” Now, I help others learn to do the same.
Let’s simplify finding your people because building a supportive crew doesn’t have to be complicated. Here’s how to surround yourself with the right people.
Why Surrounding Yourself with the Right People Matters
Your Circle = Your Influence
Your inner circle isn’t just who you hang with on weekends. They influence your mindset, energy, and goals. We behave like chameleons, naturally influenced by our surroundings.
Positive Vibes: People who lift you up will make it easier to keep that momentum going.
Negative Energy: The people who tend to complain about everything–you might just find their negativity creeping into your life.
Outgrowing Relationships is Normal (and Healthy!)
Just like your kids outgrow toys, you can outgrow friendships—and that’s okay. Personal growth means your values, interests, and goals evolve. Not everyone will grow in the same direction.
Letting Go Frees Up Space: Creating room for new connections that align with your values is healthy and essential.
It’s Not Just for You—It’s for Your Kids, Too
Back to the whole sponge thing—your kids notice everything. When you choose supportive, positive people, you set an example for healthy relationships and boundaries. They’ll see that it’s okay to walk away from negativity and seek out people who bring out the best in them. It’s a win-win for both you and them.
1: Get Crystal Clear on Your Values
If you want to surround yourself with good vibes, choose people with similar values.
Know Your Non-Negotiables
We are busy people. We don’t have time for coffee dates with people who don’t align with our values. Nail down what matters to you. If fitness is important to you, for example, your people might also love fitness. Surround yourself with others who value fitness–that way you motivate each other to be your best selves.
- Grab a quiet moment and your favorite beverage (yes, the bathroom with a glass of wine counts).
- Ask yourself:
- What topics could you talk about on repeat?
- What values do you want to instill in your kids?
- What kind of support do you need most?
- Which values are absolute must-haves in friends?
This is now your guiding light. This list you compiled from the bathroom.
Build Your Ideal Friend Checklist
Once you know your values, create a mental checklist for your ideal friends.
Green Flags: People who embrace your toy-explosion living room aesthetic, laugh about parenting fails, step in when needed, and are honest about their own struggles. Hot take: maybe even parents who get it when we’re late (last minute poop-splosions and ketchup stains on clothes might have something to do with it).
Red Flags: People who compare constantly, gossip regularly, or only talk about themselves.
These are some examples but think about your own list. And don’t settle for less just because someone has kids the same age as yours!
2: Connect in Real Life—Even if You’re Busy
Knowing who you want in your tribe is one thing, but finding them? That’s the real trick. Here are some easy strategies to meet the right people without a big-time commitment.
Utilize Your Current Hangouts
You’re already there—two birds one stone!
- Kid’s Sports or Activities: Chat with other parents while you wait.
- Park Meetups, Daycare, School: You’re already making small talk–you may as well determine if any worthy of an upgrade to friend status.
- Gym/Yoga Class: You know you have at least one thing in common.
- Neighborhood Facebook Groups: Look for playdate invites or parenting tips in local groups.
Embrace Micro Hangouts
Not every hangout has to be a production–working around naps, and bedtime, lunch, and dinner. Cleaning the house or bringing a prepared dish. Instead, embrace the micro hangout:
- Keep It Simple: Invite a friend and their kids for a short playdate.
- Meet at a Park: Neutral territory means less pressure and more flexibility.
3: Be the Kind of Friend You Want to Attract
This may sound like dating advice, but finding genuine friendships is a lot like that. We have to live and breathe the qualities we want in others.
Show Up with Positivity and Kindness
Small gestures like giving compliments or offering to help can make a world of difference.
- Be Real: Skip the small talk and dive into real conversations. Small talk may have been part of “past you”, but it’s not something “future you” does
- Be Kind and Flexible: Busy parents need friends who get that life isn’t perfect. Show up to the party with two different shoes on? Meh.
Attract Others with Authenticity
Think about all the people you admire. Chances are, they’ll have some combination of these traits:
- Vulnerability: Share your real struggles—it creates deep connections.
- Active Listening: The people who actually care what you have to say.
- Confidence: Believe in yourself. Confidence is naturally attractive.
- Humor: Those that don’t take themselves too seriously–it’s relatable and approachable.
- Open-Minded: Welcome new ideas and perspectives–it creates a feeling of comfort.
- Show Gratitude: Be appreciative and make an effort to show it.
This probably sounds like we’re prepping for a job interview. But the reality (cheesy as it may be) is to be yourself. If you want to surround yourself with the right people, all you have to do is be authentic.
How to turn acquaintances into real friends
Acquaintances are nice, but the real magic happens with our tight-knit crew (our “ride or dies”). It’s easy to establish those acquaintances that you only talk to when you’re basically forced into it–school volunteer, basketball practice, local event–whatever it is. And speaking from experience here, making friends as an adult is work. Truly.
It’s easy for little kids because they literally don’t give a shit. They are the epitome of authentic.
My 5-year-old was playing at the park and another kid came over and said “want to play with me poopy head?” And my 5-year-old did not hesitate. He was all in.
Imagine that kind of confidence as an adult.
Since we can’t just go around calling all our adult acquaintances poopy heads, what can we do to embrace this same mentality…as a grownup.
Start small: Break the ice with a casual coffee or park meetup
Bond over parenting moments: You both have kids that won’t eat tomatoes and only want to watch Blippi. That’s the foundation of your newly formed friendship.
Send a Follow-Up Text: Don’t let a good vibe die. Send a quick text afterward to show you enjoyed swapping messy parent stories.
Talk Beyond Kid Topics: Share a bit of your own interests to see if there’s more to connect on outside of parenting.
Cleaning Up Your Social Circle
We all have that one friend who still low-key acts like they’re 21. Or that mom who makes every playdate feel like a therapy session. We don’t have to torture ourselves. Sometimes, we have to distance ourselves from certain relationships, even if it feels uncomfortable. Trust your gut and make the hard calls.
Signs of Toxicity
If it feels like you’d rather get a root canal than spend time with someone, that’s a pretty clear sign. But here are some other clues:
- Constantly putting you down, making everything a competition, or always talking about themselves.
- If you leave feeling drained, that’s a sign.
How to Distance Yourself Gracefully
- Create Space: Politely decline invitations and make yourself less available.
- Be Honest But Kind: You can’t fault someone for being honest, especially when they use manners.
- Unfollow on Social Media: Use those buttons liberally if seeing their updates brings you down.
Cleaning your social circle doesn’t have to mean completely ghosting people. And who knows, maybe in the future, they may change and your paths may once again meet back up.
This is Hard
But you can do it. You’ve made it through newborn blowouts, threenager tantrums, and more dinner battles than any human should have to go through. You’re a damn superhero. Now it’s time to give yourself permission to let go of draining relationships and focus on connections that support your best self.
Parenting is hard enough—surrounding yourself with the right people makes it easier. Ditch the fake friends, embrace the real ones, and know that your future self will thank you.
