For so long, I thought the key to climbing the corporate ladder was saying “yes” to everything. Every project, every last-minute request—my hand shot up first. “Urgent request? Need it by tomorrow? Sure thing!” In reality, I was miserable trying to be the model employee. And the cold, hard truth–it wasn’t ambition driving me. I was a people-pleaser.
The People-Pleasing Trap: When Everything is “Yes”
Let’s get real for a hot second–becoming a people pleaser is a nasty little habit that most of us fall into at some point. If you’re nodding along, you’re not alone. But why do we get caught in this endless cycle?
What the Heck is a People Pleaser, Anyway?
A people pleaser is a buzzier way of saying you’re a human “yes” machine. Most of the time, we don’t even think before blurting out that enthusiastic “yes.” Here’s what it looks like:
- You agree to extra work at the speed of light.
- You constantly sacrifice your own needs.
- You avoid conflict like it’s the plague.
Why Do We Do This to Ourselves?
I mean, it sounds like we’re being kinda cruel to ourselves. So why do we keep saying “yes” when we really want to say “no”?
- Fear of rejection–We worry that saying no will make us seem unreliable.
- Low self-esteem–Sometimes it feels like we’re not good enough unless we’re constantly working.
- Guilt–We don’t want to let anyone down.
- Desire for control–It can help us feel in charge.
The Not-So-Fun Consequences
Here’s the icky part. People pleasing at work impacts us beyond simply stripping us of our time. There are all these other things we mostly ignore.
- Burnout–Constantly taking on more leads to exhaustion, plain and simple.
- Resentment–Over time, we start resenting the very people we were trying to help.
- Loss of respect–Coworkers will take advantage if you never say “no.”
- Decreased productivity–When you’re spread too thin, your work suffers. Ironic, huh?
A Day in the Life of a People Pleaser
Think about it like this: It’s 7 AM. You made three breakfast, assembled three lunches, packed two healthyish school snacks, and managed to remember the water bottles today. The kids are happily bouncing off to school. You pop open your laptop to get to work and you see it “There’s a meeting at 5:30 today and I can’t make it. I need you to fill in for me and send me the key points after.”
Today is the day I take my daughter to gymnastics class at 5:00. He knows that.
But do we say that? Nope. We respond with a resounding “Sure, no problem”. Meanwhile, it is a problem. Now we have to take the call from the car in the gymnastics parking lot. And when we get home, we’re going to be bitter, and it will probably trickle over onto the fam.
Sounds familiar? Most of us could replace the specifics with our own, but it’s the same general formula. We don’t know how to say “no”.
Strategy #1: Embrace the Power of “No” (Without the Guilt)
As parents, we say “no” to our kids all the time. Can I use this glitter? No. Can I eat this Kit Kat before dinner? No. Can I have my iPad? No. The word exists in our vocabulary. Why then do we have so much trouble using it at work? Learning to say “no” is a game-changer in the quest to stop being a people pleaser at work.
How to Say “No” Without Feeling Guilty
- Be firm but kind: This is the voice we use with our kids. And there’s no reason it can’t also apply at work. You can be assertive without being a jerk. “My plate is full, so I won’t be able to take this on right now.” It’s direct, but not rude.
- Offer alternatives: Suggest a different deadline or point them to someone else with more availability.
- Practice makes perfect: Start small and work your way up to saying “no” to bigger requests. The more you do it, the easier it gets.
If it feels uncomfortable at first, think of it this way: saying “no” to one thing is really saying “yes” to something that matters more.
Strategy #2: Prioritize Like a Pro
There was a time when I thought multitasking was my superpower. I wore it like a big ol’ shiny badge of honor. But one day it hit. I was just burning myself out. Now, I prioritize what truly matters, and it’s a game-changer. Sidenote: you can still be a superhero multi-tasker when it comes to juggling dinner prep for picky eaters and keeping the house clean.
The Art of Prioritization
- Use the Eisenhower Matrix:
Write down everything you need to do, then rank tasks by importance and urgency. How can we determine what belongs at the top? There’s a system for that. Enter the Eisenhower Matrix–sort tasks into these 4 categories:
- Set boundaries: Let your boss and coworkers know when you’re unavailable and stick to it.
- Delegate: If someone else can handle it, let them. You don’t have to do everything yourself.
The ability to prioritize isn’t about getting everything done–it’s about being selective and getting the right things done.
Strategy #3: Confidence is Your New BFF
If you know me, I like to reference Taylor Swift lyrics any chance I get. And in this case, “Lights, Camera, Bitch Smile” totally works. Okay, that’s being a little dramatic. Confidence doesn’t mean you have to strut around the office like a boss (though, that’s fun too). It means owning your worth and standing up for yourself when it counts.
How to Boost Your Confidence
- Fake it ‘til you make it: Stand tall, make eye contact, and speak clearly—even if you don’t feel it inside.
A lot of successful folks subscribe to the “Power Pose” method: Stand like Wonder Woman for 2 minutes before that big meeting. Try it–you never know!
- Dress for Success (Even If It’s Just Above the Waist): I’m more of a sweatshirt gal, but some people swear dressing the part boosts their confidence. If those Lululemon leggings make you feel like a powerhouse, proceed ahead.
- The Humble Brag: We love a good humble brag. “Oh, this report using the advanced Excel functions? I practically whipped it up in my sleep. NBD.”
- The Confidence Playlist: Put on your favorite hype songs before big meetings. A little Beyonce or Taylor Swift goes a long way.
The Parent Advantage: You’re Already a Superhero
Newsflash: If you can handle a toddler tantrum in the middle of Target, you’re built different.
- Negotiation skills? Check.
- Crisis management? Check.
- Relentless Perseverance? Check.
You are already a pretty great human. Own it and let it explode your confidence!
Strategy #4: Manage Expectations
If your boss or coworkers don’t know your limits, they’ll keep piling on the work. Inform them that you do school pick up at 4 PM every day. Managing expectations is key to stopping the people-pleasing cycle.
Set Clear Expectations:
- Keep your calendar up-to-date: Mark times you’re unavailable, like school pickups or family activities. For example, I have “pick up the kids from school” as a recurring daily meeting on my calendar, and my co-workers do the same.
- Communicate with your boss: Regular check-ins let you update them on your workload and bandwidth. If you don’t have a regular 1:1 set up, now’s a good time.
- Be Consistent: Stick to your boundaries and schedules. It builds trust and reliability.
At first, this can feel like “I’m making excuses to avoid doing my job”. I know it did for me. But once you get into the habit of setting boundaries, it’ll feel more natural. And you’ll wonder why you ever let people walk all over you in the first place.
Strategy #5: Build Your Support Squad
If it takes a village to raise a family, it takes a tribe to survive the corporate grind. Surround yourself with people who support your boundaries.
How to Find Your Support Squad
- Find your work BFF: Someone who gets you. I’m a snack girl, so anytime someone asks me to go to the kitchen to get snacks, I know I’ve met my match.
- Get a mentor: They’ve been where you are and can offer advice. It’s like a built in second opinion.
- HR Support: Many workplaces offer work-life balance or flexible work programs. Take advantage of them!
- Parent groups: If your company has a group for parents, join it. If not, start one! Sharing experiences with other parents can be a lifesaver.
Time to Ditch the People Pleaser Act
Being a parent is hard enough without trying to please everyone at work. You’ve got a lot on your plate, and bending over backward for others is only going to burn you out. Start setting boundaries, say “no” more often, and focus on what matters most—your family and your sanity. The only approval you really need? Your own.
